The Master

Bates was a funny young man. Intellectual, but pedantic and preachy at times, no wonder people called him ‘Master’. Our friend was just returning from a trip he had been to with his office mates. They had hired a mini-bus for their trip to Kerala and were having the time of their lives.

As usual Master Bates was at his idiotic best, mocking everyone and everything that came to his mind. The women in Kerala, who would swim while being completely draped with clothes from head to toe, the fat friend, who fell in love and ‘broke’ it, the ubiquitous old guy, who somehow survived the great floods even though he wasn’t on Noah’s ark. One of Bates’ lame and worn out jokes with the old man would always be – if you ever need a boat, I No-ah guy. Not to mention the girl who needed make up to ‘make-up’ her mind.

All the fun and frolic came to an abrupt end while they were returning to Bangalore, and were around Mysore, which is approximately 3 hours away. It was around 2 A.M and the long drive had taken its toll on the driver, which, combined with the fog, was in itself an equation for danger.

The inevitable disaster happened and left everyone in a quandary. Those asleep woke up to realize the bus had hit a pole and the front window had shattered. They all got down from the bus and everyone seemed fine except for Bates who was left unconscious after a few glass pieces had passed through his body. Bates was rushed to the nearest hospital while the rest waited as the driver had taken the bus to get the windows fixed.

The rest of the trip continued after a long halt and had a rather eerie feeling to it. All the noise was replaced by an uncanny silence. Bates himself was sitting all by himself, quite like never before, just hoping to reach home safely.

They got back to Bangalore with just about enough time to freshen up and go right back to office as they worked in the UK shift timings and they had to login at the office by 12.00 PM IST. The mood at the office seemed extremely gloomy. Everybody looked serious, heavy eyed and in a dejected state. Apart from everything else, Bates was also worrying about his finances. He thought to himself that the trip had left him so broke that he couldn’t even pay attention.

Then came the e-mail that had changed everything. It said –

“We regret to inform you that one of our beloved colleagues – Bates, had died in an unfortunate accident while on a trip from Kerala. Please join us for a minute of silence at 4.00 PM as we remember him and pray for his family and loved ones”

Bates was horrified. He didn’t know what was going on. It hit him hard, really hard. He was unable to speak to anyone.10 minutes later, there was an announcement over the microphone. It was 4 PM and a sullen voice broke the same news. Everybody stood up and a minute of silence followed, ironically, for the person who was never silent.

Bates was a funny young man. Intellectual, but pedantic and preachy at times, but life and death were funnier with him. He didn’t know who was his 'Master'.

P.S – This is partly inspired by real life events. We did go for the trip as a team and also met with an accident near Mysore in which fortunately or unfortunately I happened to be the only person who was injured. 

Macroeconomics - Doggy style

Well, firstly to all my friends who might be thinking I've invented some new kinky and exotic sexual position or any other thing of that sort for that matter, let me not give you any more hopes as i might really disappoint you this time. Had I invented something like that, i would have rather become some sort of a tantric or guru, preaching and practicing it than to be sitting up past midnight and writing an article about it. 

I’ve been staying all by myself in this new house that i moved into from the past few months. I must mention that it does tend to get a little too lonely at times. I get reminded of my days in the North and the huge differences in cultures. People around are all too busy with their own lives and nobody really has the time to even know who the neighbour is, unlike in ‘smaller’ towns where everybody knows each other. However, the social instinct in me hasn’t yet died out completely and i've ended up making 3 new friends in the neighbourhood.

Well, these three new friends of mine happen to be all dogs. I am literally living the expression that man is after all a ‘social animal’. And before you start wondering again, this isn’t about them trying out kinky stuff that i might seem to have become obsessed with either. In fact, this is about these three really smart and intellectual dogs who have become my gurus of late. I seek to get answers to everything using them as prisms. Yes, times have really changed so much that dogs are the real masters. I am in fact trying to get some answers on government policies from them.

I have named these three dogs as well, ironically, after people i'm not particularly fond of, but that’s another story in itself and i'll save it for some other time.

Macroeconomics has really been one subject that has fascinated me quite a bit. They really have graphs and all sorts of figures for literally everything. At times, i fear if you ask an economist her/his name, she/he might show you a graph for that as well. But now that i finally begin to understand certain macro-economic factors (in the true sense and unlike mentioned above), i can comprehend, to a certain extent, the recent developments in the government policies and some of the other economic variables. And perhaps being the pedantic person i am, and having already established that the neighbourhood would not bother to listen to my theories, i run to my new friends, the doggies (whose names i’m not revealing, as you might be one of them), and try and preach to them, just to show them that how ‘smart’ i might have become and how good or bad our country might be doing.

I then began my really ‘intellectual’ conversation with the dogs. At first i was a little condescending with them, bragging that i have a good finance related job and don't just loiter around like them. I asked them – “do you even understand finance?”

“WUFF” came the unanimous response with a very stern look.

Considering the ‘smart’ person that i have become, it didn't take me any time to interpret what they were really trying to say to me – "We Understand Finance Fu***er"(W.U.F.F.).

Their looks started becoming even grimmer and i knew for a fact that they really meant business, and that i should not mess around with them. At that moment, i could not help but remember the video of the recent track by Swedish House Mafia called “Save the World” in which dogs try and save the world for us. And so i continued my really ‘intellectual’ conversation with the dogs.

I went in great depth’s describing about the declining GDP, the falling value of the rupee as against the dollar, the impact of the Greek Crisis, about how the Reserve Bank had left the Repo Rates and the CRR unchanged at 8%  and 4.75% respectively, even though everybody expected a reduction in these rates by the RBI, etc. The dogs were listening to me with the kind of devotion that i had never managed to show towards my teachers or books and it felt like even they knew that the RBI and the government have not been doing enough to prevent any further damages.

And so, I continued the ‘discussion’ if i could say so, and criticized a lot of the other policies and some factors in general relating to the society in large. The rising LPG and fuel prices, the climbing inflation and CPI indexes, the list is just endless. But the one noteworthy thing is that despite the high rise in prices and the decline in the value of the rupee, the Planning commission,  recently in March this year, released a report stating that anyone with a daily consumption expenditure of Rs 28.35 and Rs 22.42 in urban and rural areas respectively is to be considered above the poverty line and therefore, not considered to be poor.

I could now sense a certain degree of smugness amongst the dogs, as even they must have realized that we actually do spend more money on them, and therefore, if they were humans, they would be considered above the poverty line.

The only way this report actually helped the government was by showing a decline in the number of people below the poverty line by 7.3%. After facing a very high degree of criticism, the Planning Commission, had said in its affidavit before the Supreme Court that the “ poverty line as per the June 2011 price level can be placed provisionally at Rs 965 (Rs 32 per day) per capita per month in urban areas and Rs 781 (26 per day) in rural areas”.

I am no economist. I am no smart intellect. All I really have is the conscience of a little child, clear as it can be. It is this conscience that is enough to distinguish what it right form what is wrong. And i know something is definitely wrong when an individual is expected to be above poverty line and therefore not poor if he / she earns more than the upper band of 965 a month. The benchmark that we use seems wrong in itself, as it does not account for expenses relating to healthcare and education. Ask yourself how much do you spend on feeding your dog, let alone veterinary or other ‘fancy’ expenditures and whether that amount is more than rupees 965? How can a person who barely survives on rupees 966 a month be considered not poor? If you have the answers, please do enlighten me.

This ‘discussion’ had clearly made even the dogs wonder as to where our destiny was headed as i could see them staring in disbelief. I could almost sense their sympathy for us as was evident from their gloomy faces. At the end of it, they all walked away without saying a word. It really made me wonder as to whether i was so boring or had the government’s policies become so insensitive. One thing was for sure, that either i should make myself more interesting or either the government should seem to be more concerned and make better decisions so that at least the dogs won't have to look down upon us or sympathize with us.

’Faisal Mohd’s gag, following Planning Commission’s decision to lower poverty line’

Dennis the Menace

 http://www.mediafire.com/view/?4uzacwkgj6pp03p

To love or not to love – Philosophy for a donkey

I have a considerably good mind, often donkeys consult me. But it’s been ages since even a donkey has sought advice from me; so here I am, trying to keep myself happy by giving some advice to myself. I must add however, this has become somewhat ad nauseam of late, but that won’t deter me, at least for now.

I have enjoyed being in relationships; I have been somewhat lucky with them as well. I might not be constant in love, but I end up being constantly in love. If they work out, I am happy, if not, I end up being some sort of a philosopher. Either ways, things work out for my good.

However happy-go-lucky types I might seem to be, I do have a serious side as well after-all. And I must point out that laughing faces doesn’t mean that there is an absence of sorrow, it means that they have the ability to deal with them.

I think the key to remain happy is probably not to take anything too seriously, and that includes relationships. At least not until you’re married.

I believe in the school of thought that says women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most women wear makeup and most men lie. 

Most people invariably have a proclivity towards some sort of an emotional consistency. I might seem to espouse Sigmund Freud's philosophies that the primary motivation for all things in life is sex, but like Bob Dylan puts it - "Love is just a four letter word". And in the words of Chris Rock - "A man is only as faithful as the choices he has."

A lot of people who get into relationships often ignore everything else, including their best friends and family, accentuating the cliché that love is blind. And things get worse when a relationship fails. To me a break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it. If you can’t save a relationship, at least save your pride.

However cynical I might sound, I must admit that people are bound to have broken hearts, simply because the ideologies of people have changed of late. Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the problem now is that people are used and things are loved. Try breaking a cell phone for instance of the one you love, and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

When we meet someone for the first time, they are at their affable best. What this results in is that people generally form a good impression about the other person because of the way he or she presents himself. Later when people get to know each other better, things might not seem quite the same. Often fights follow as well. What I generally do in this case is to rate people as 0 on a scale of 0 – 10 and when you get to know the person better you can enhance the rating accordingly. That way you will not get hurt if the person disappoints you later as you already do not consider them worth the bonding. This I learned from a friend, (Prithvi) and I continue to follow it. Also when I meet someone initially, I tend to portray a negative image of myself and then build on it for good. This helps as the person is aware of your bad aspects before your positive side (please don’t do the same during interviews and other formal engagements though).

 I read somewhere that no man or woman is worth your tears & the one who is, won’t make you cry. This might at least help in making better choices for the ones who can’t live without the emotional consistency.

Having expressed myself, you may abide by what I said and follow suit, but if you do not agree with me, you should know what I meant when I said initially that often donkey’s consult me.

P.S. - This was written for a friend of mine who in depression due to some relationship issues. I've borrowed a lot of phrases from here and there, but at the time of writing, my only intention was to try and bring a sense of calm in her mindset.

                                                                                          

At the Movies – Flashback 2011

In case you have missed out on any of the movies of the year gone by, here’s a quick guide to some of the movies released during 2011 that you’ve got to watch before the Mayans get the better of you.

To me 2011 was probably the best year at the movies after 1994 when we had movies like Shawshank Redemption, Leon: The Professional, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, The Lion King, etc to name a few.
The year was even more significant to me as the Harry Potter series finally came to an end and the Twilight series is just one step away (still scratching my head trying to figure out why people watch stuff like that). I personally am more enthralled by realistic cinema.

Having said that, I’d like to begin with my personal favorite of the year - A Seperation, an Iranian movie, which deals with the dilemma a married couple is faced with, to either move to another country and live a “better” life or to stay and take care of an ailing parent who has Alzheimer’s disease and who can barely recognize them. It doesn’t end there; the wife wants a divorce if the husband chooses his ailing father over her and their child’s “brighter” future. The movie has a lot of sub plots and touches on a lot of key issues. It came as no surprise when it won the Oscar for the best foreign language film and I personally would like to believe that had the movie been made in English or had it been a silent film like The Artist, it would have swept all the major awards.

Another movie that really got me wanting for more was Warrior. I fail to understand why this movie was so under rated and only managed one Oscar nomination for Nick Nolte. To me the movie was more like Rocky, but only with much better acting and a better script.

The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo was another flick that I loved and am eagerly looking forward to the complete trilogy.  David Fincher never really ceases to disappoint and Rooney Mara definitely deserved the best actress award for her staggeringly raw performance in the film, but wasn’t too surprised that the jury preferred to chose Meryl Streep again.

The Artist and Drive sums up my list of top 5 movies of the year. It was a really brave decision to make a silent film and in black and white in this age and expect people to watch it. People who have watched The Artist would agree that the dog (Uggie) deserved an award as well. The movie is a gem of a nostalgic trip.

Many said the year belonged to George, be it George Clooney for The Descendants and the Ides of March or Jean Dujardin who played the role of George Valentine in The Artist. But to me, this was Ryan Gosling’s year. He definitely deserved better for not one but three brilliant films, namely, Drive, The Ides of March and Crazy, Stupid, Love. Drive was simply the coolest and the quintessential guy movie of the year.

Some other movies that stood out during the year included 50-50, Moneyball, Bridesmaids and Horrible Bosses. Yet to watch Hugo, so can’t really comment on that. I’d really want to watch it not because of the number of Oscars it won, but simply because it is a Martin Scorsese film. I also need to catch up on Woody Allen’s – Midnight in Paris after having read so many good reviews about it.

Here’s hoping for more such stuff or even better in the years to come. Until then, do make sure you watch all of the movies mentioned above.

                                                                                          Dennis George.
.

The Parody of IRFR

                                                    
Saying that January was a really busy month for us would be like an understatement. Now that the work load has ebbed and we’ve finally found some time to breathe, we’d really want to flatter and glorify ourselves for not just warming our seats throughout the winter but also winning the team of the month while doing so.

As impertinent and rhetorical as it may sound, I sincerely want to profess my gratitude towards the metaphysics of this office.

To begin with, I would like to thank the chair for not falling apart despite my ever-growing tummy, and if I could say so, my team-mates seem to be pilling on the extra fat with me as well (yes, they are our paunches and not our clothes)

I am profoundly indebted to the AC’s for helping me maintain my cool. The loo, for providing me a place to take a dump every once in a few days, despite the hectic and ever demanding schedule (even more demanding than the necessity to take a dump). And not to mention the room freshener’s, for those moments when we really didn’t have the time to visit the restrooms (if you get what I mean).

The work related mails that kept pouring in were more fascinating and intriguing than any of the romantic messages that could float around. The numerous meetings and the birthday celebrations that got over even before the cake was cut were just about as far as my social life could go. 

I wish I could also mention the conversations I had with my desk, as I couldn’t really talk to anybody else. It was also wonderful to see people from other teams loitering around, enjoying the beautiful details of life (probably not quite as much as we did) and doing every other thing that we would envy. Not to forget, our beloved manager – JP, we can’t really thank him enough for finally leaving us.

I was particularly looking forward to stretching every single day including weekends and other public holidays. Office has of late seemed to be my ideal rendezvous destination, so much so, that we even ended up spending our valentine’s day here.

Just when I thought that we have brighter days ahead to look forward to, I get reminded of this poem by Robert Frost which goes like this –
“The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, 
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, 
And miles to go before I sleep.”

I hope this is not a premonition of ‘better days’.

P.S  :  I hope this is taken the way it is meant to be.  JP – I’m sure you have known me enough to understand me. This is dedicated to you and the entire Ireland Financial Reporting (IRFR – Bangalore) team. We really miss you and hope to keep up the good work.  


                                                     By the biggest idiot you could possibly know,
                                                     Dennis the Menace.

                                                                                                  

The Chronicles of IRFR

                                   

Dennisis 01: 05 - They say God created the universe and everything within 5 days and on the 6^th day, He thought about giving more meaning to His creations. He meticulously drafted the designs on His iPad and lo and behold, before we knew it, He conjured out of nowhere the most elegant and magnificent creation ever to be made – The IRFR Team.

The IRFR team ineluctably consisted of not 1 but 3 Adams – namely Sajjad Uncle, oops we meant Sajjad Omer, Raghu Romeo and Philip the High Priest with a sealed lip. You wouldn’t be surprised that even though there wasn’t any Eve, the team still evolved. All we can say now is – “Praise be to the Lord”.

Sajjad can yawn even with his mouth closed, something that he has developed after his marriage and also attending a whole lot of trainings. Raghu can spew venom for unfinished work but also make it up by an innocent smile with equal ease. He has a very charming smile, but of late it seems to be attracting more guys than girls, which is why he is still single.

Today the IRFR team celebrates 5 illustrious years and it wouldn’t have been the same had it not been for the new members – read as babies – that followed.

Bhavana was the new born baby was added on 2^nd July 2007. Well, in a couple of months she would turn 5 years old, but the real suspense is that she has a child who is 11 years old. How that is possible still remains a mystery. She also enjoys cooking and the biggest mistake someone can make is to praise her for her cooking. She will just keep getting new recipes and experiment them on you.

Sandeep Lad (Sandy) was next and has been on his feet and has been running since the day he was born. He never really wanted to run but was left with no options after the cops showed up at his doorstep. India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters; this is something that we have been taught but he takes the sisters part rather too seriously. In fact we are grateful to people like him as they leave us with more single girls to choose from.

Uma was the next to join and laughs at everything even when she’s alone. We still haven’t figured out what it is that she finds funny about everything, even something as serious as this article. In fact she even laughed when we told her that laughing-stock is referred to cattle with a sense of humor.

JP who joined later was the self-proclaimed father of all the kids. He really enjoyed beating and punishing us for any work that we didn’t do as per his strict rules, ignoring the fact that we were already doing child labor. However, the most unforgivable act that he did was to ditch his own kids for some other people. We don’t know what he really saw there but we sincerely hope it’s not what we think it is. After all, he’s supposedly on the prowl for a bride.

Kevin followed soon and has never missed an opportunity to make sarcastic remarks. He can live on sarcasms for breakfast, cricket for lunch and Tamil movies for dinner. He doesn’t seem to need a girl in life as he is already looks happily married to his work and is very committed in this relationship. We are eagerly looking forward to seeing his babies coming out of the Xerox machines.

Sarah baby was born on 9^th June 2008 and has been missing or on leaves ever since. She always tries to go that extra mile at work, but her boss always finds her and gets her back.

Hashim was born next and has been on a strict diet ever since. He weighed only about a few tons when he was born. In fact when he last stepped on a weighing scale, one of our teammate’s ten-digit phone number appeared. He is the sole reason for famines all over the world. He inspires even Rajnikant and Chuck Norris by his acts. It seems he once coached the Indian Cricket Team and they went on to win the FIFA world cup. They say he lost his wallet recently, and what followed was the recession.

Swetha came in next and happens to be just as confused as beauty conscious she is. They say she even put’s lipstick on her head just to ‘make up’ her mind. She has been sleeping ever since and wakes up with a confused look only to go to the restroom and put on some make up. Before she gets up let us tell you about our next baby; Basak.

Actually, we don’t know if we can really call him a baby. 

Basak is one person whose age has been misrepresented in all the records. They say he was some thousands of years old when he was conceived. In fact he even claims that in his days Burger King was just a prince and Big Bang Theory was actually just a small bang. He further adds that nostalgia is not what it used to be. He was probably born before this whole world began. He is undoubtedly the oldest member of our team and apparently he has been around since eternity. In fact he is the only person who can testify to all of this ‘universal truth’. Strangely, he wasn’t on Noah’s Ark during the great floods but still managed to survive.

Balajee was born next and lives on one simple philosophy – A cigarette shortens your life by 2 minutes, a beer reduces your life by 4 minutes but a working day shortens your life by 8 hours. None of us knew he used to drink until one day we saw him sober.

Smitha was the next to follow and loves to play teacher to us. So much so that she even punishes us for something we don’t even do – homework. She also loves watching Bollywood movies and is a big fan of Ajay Devgn. She punishes us by making us watch his movies. Horrible seems to be an understatement for some of these movies and they are really worse than a 3^rd degree torture. They should really pass a law against such horrendous acts.

Neeraj joined our family tree on 18.05.09 and is now officially a 3 year old kid, well almost. Do not confuse him by his looks, he is still younger than most of the people around.

Aruna followed right after but she is known as the mommy of our team. Despite her being younger to a lot of us, she is still our mom. By now you would have figured out that our team defies all logic, but believe you me, Neeraj along with the rest of our team still cry and plead to her for toffees and lollipops every now and then. She also happens to be a lecturer and takes great pleasure in lecturing us. We honestly do not mind her lecturing us every now and then, as long as she doesn’t mind us NOT listening.

Shruti was the next in line, and is almost 2 years old but the funny thing is she is going to be married shortly. She has just learned how to speak, but strangely she only talks over the cell phone (talk about being tech savvy).

However preposterous it may sound, you could always expect more to come as Rupa was ‘born’ next. And if child marriages were not enough, Rupa was married even before she was ‘born’. They say marriages are made in heaven but she really epitomizes the philosophy, as she was probably in heaven before she was born and got married there itself.

We then had Mithun, and considering how slim he is, we thought we’d write something just about as much as his waistline which is as good as nothing. Having said that, let us bring the spotlight on the most important baby, the Alpha and the Omega, the one and only Dennis George. He claims that when he was born, there were stars pointing towards him, and kings showering gifts and super models surrounding him and stuff like that. Well that is what he actually thinks about himself, but the truth is, his parents cried instead of him when he was born and the hospital staff were eagerly looking forward to discharge him without even bothering about the bills. There were dogs shining, stars barking and pigs were on a high.

Surendra was the next kid on the block and has already started conducting free private coaching classes which he calls as social service. So what if these classes are only for girls within a certain age group and with certain other features. Even if it’s got nothing to do with what is taught in any established educational institution, he feels it is his duty to perform such services. We can only wish him luck for his noble endeavors and hope to join him soon in this noble deed.

We then had Kiran, who merely with his alluring charm and style has the capability to entice any woman, even someone that doesn’t even exist. This could probably explain the rationale behind why people marry off their children at an early age, simply before Kiran sets his eye on anybody.

Hiranjyoti joined us next and it seems he’s got moves better than Jagger. He has a big belly like most of the other guys in our team and the strange thing is that even though there are so many women in our team, it is always the guys who seem to be the ones carrying.

Finally we had our newest edition to the family – Venky, whose complete name could be a whole book in itself. He was born with a mush and is barely 3 months old now. As a matter of fact, he is still in his nappies and before something unwanted happens let me focus on the brighter picture, which is, a holistic and macro view of the team as a whole.

The metamorphosis and evolution of our team would definitely give even Charles Darwin a run for his money for his book – ‘The Origin of Species’. But having said all that, we are all proud to be a part of this remarkable team that has matured enough to even take jokes on ourselves. We have believed in doing things differently and have strived towards setting benchmarks, be it at work or through our involvement in sports and extra curricular activities. And as we commemorate 5 glorious years of service, excellence and growth, which has been a sensational journey by itself: we acknowledge everyone for their support and faith.

As we celebrate this anniversary we believe that nothing is so urgent as a thank you and so we would also like to give a big shout out and thank you to all those who have been a part of our team and are not with us anymore, namely – Juby, Shruti Agrawal,Vishal, Roopa, Mohsin, Vinod, Shabrinath, Astha, Sherap, Jiby, Jishad, Anamika, Mrudula, Lokesh, Rashmi, Ramya, David O’Brien,Jason Dixon, Siobhan O’Connor, Tracey Reilly, Karl Meade, and Brendan O’Malley. Brendan is more like a prodigal son to us who keeps joining us every now and then and is still very much a part of us. He is in fact our very own ‘Desi Boy’ and we look forward to him joining us again and teaching us how to eat with bare hands. They have all helped us to become what we are today.

The home country (Ireland) also deserves a notable mention and we really want to express our gratitude to all the love and support that they have shown us. They have been very co-operative and have helped us in every step.

We really hope the article is taken the way it is meant to be and hope you all enjoy it. This is just a means of introducing the team to everyone in a jovial manner and celebrating our anniversary with the rest of the partners. And if we can paraphrase a quote by Benjamin Disraeli – “We feel a very unusual sensation – if it is not indigestion, it must be gratitude”.

                                                        Thanks and Regards,

                                                         IRFR, Bangalore.